This is funny to me. Whenever I get very very deep into myself, and I don't want to talk to anyone, because i dont know what to say. I watch the inside the actors studio interview with angelina jolie. I first watched this 2 years ago. A common theme of that interview is her mentioning or talking about being honest and living honestly and experiencing the feeling of honesty. This woman is amazing for many reasons, but the thing i admire the most is her complete commitment to knowing herself, being honest with herself and others about who she is and how she feels.
i want that. I want to feel that. But I find myself in situations and around people I dont feel like I can be honest with. I get involved with people that tell me that my expressions of thoughts and feelings are manipulative. That I am just trying to get my way. So I digress, and i revert, and i fold back into myself until something happens. Something small that makes me feel trapped and alone like no one on the fucking planet gives a shit about me, and then i do it.
I do the one thing that makes me feel honest. that is true to who i am. that lets out the life, the the fluid that fills my body. That SHOVES the truth into everyone else. That i am not as fucking strong as they think. That my feelings are hard, and my life is hard, and my choices are hard, and I cant always take care of everyone else. And that telling me to not talk about it, or showing me that you dont care, or dont take me seriously or anything like that is just as likely to push me over the edge
And now I just feel dangerous. Because its out, because in order to keep any amount of peace in my life i need so desperately to be silent right now. So I have cut off all contact with everyone. I have spoke to one person all day and that was just to tell her that i would not be able to be reached. If I am not silent right now, I will cause harm. The truth is i want to speak to everyone, I want to tell all of them how i really feel. There are so few people out there who know how i really feel. Because my mind, and my thoughts, and my constant battles are dangerous. They are so hard, and so hot and so deeply deeply disturbing to myself, i cant imagine what they would think.
And everyone in the fucking world is too goddamn sensitive, and too god damn self absorbed. That if I say how I feel, if i express the truth, everyone will lose their fucking minds.
Its all too much right now. And i dont know what I am going to do. That is the scariest part. i really cant predict what I am going to do.
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