- regardless of how hard people try, my life is generally drama free
- im learning how to say no to people who only want to harm me or use me for their own selfish purposes
- im learning what healthy relationships look like
- i have love in its best forms
- i believe in what i am building for myself
- i think i have gotten rid of the most troubling influences in my life
- i know i am protected.
- i know i am loved
- i know i am liked
- i know that no matter what, i will not go back to all the things i was made to believe i deserved. I deserve better. i deserve to be heard, and appreciated, and loved, and honored, and believed in.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
happy
reasons i am happy today
Thursday, October 1, 2009
her
I started thinking of her last night. The one. The one woman in all the world that has had the biggest effect on me, however much I try to deny it. The one woman that I have cut out of my life completely, until someone brings her up. The one woman that tore out my heart multiple times for years and then ridiculed me for not understanding her pain.
I thought of her. Sometimes I can go days, maybe even weeks without thinking of her. Funny thought....to go that long almost forgetting the pain, the abandonment, the betrayal. I have had friends do me wrong, forgive them and move on. I have had lovers make me cry, and i just say goodbye. But when a mother breaks you down, and for years you can say nothing, do nothing, just wait till you can escape. And then after she leaves, gives up on her family and just walks out, she blames you for her shitty life. Well after that, there is no forgiveness, there is no real healing, there is no moving on. Because you can make more friends, you can find other lovers, but there no one out there can ever be my mom. My mom is gone.
I don't know when she really left. Because years before she physically removed herself from my life, she wasn't a mother. And all the vain attempts since, to act like a concerned parent, have been utter failures. Its like living thru the death of her over and over again. Every time I miss her, and wish I could talk to her, I have to remember that she isn't there. She is dead. She is nonexistent in my life, because she can't be. Any physical form that still exists of her doesn't have the mental abilities to be a mother. So the woman who gave birth to me, and who barely raised me no longer exists. To have a relationship with that physical form would cause more pain to me than anyone out there can imagine. The truth is my mother died in my arms a hundred times. And for some reason up until right now, I blocked out all that pain.
i don't know why, its all rushing back to me. Why I have been crying for the last 3 hours. Why all the sudden I feel like it just happened, and my heart is breaking all over again. I pretended like i didn't care that i my mother was gone for the last 5 years. Everytime someone tried to be sensitive to me about the story of my mother, I really just felt apathetic about it. i don't right now. I feel a lot.And I dont know where to place this feeling because i have been fighting this feeling for a very long time. Because I dont want to admit that I miss my mother. Because I dont want to admit that I am still crushed by the fact that after she was emotionally gone for years she physically left me as well. I don't want any of this. I want to imagine I never met her.
I will just listen to sad songs today that remind me of her. Remind me that she is gone. Remind me that there is nothing I can do.
i am not really as alone as i feel right now. I have my dad, and my nutty sister, and my step mom, and my girlfriend and my friends. And they are all great.....but I still dont have my mom. And I never will.
I thought of her. Sometimes I can go days, maybe even weeks without thinking of her. Funny thought....to go that long almost forgetting the pain, the abandonment, the betrayal. I have had friends do me wrong, forgive them and move on. I have had lovers make me cry, and i just say goodbye. But when a mother breaks you down, and for years you can say nothing, do nothing, just wait till you can escape. And then after she leaves, gives up on her family and just walks out, she blames you for her shitty life. Well after that, there is no forgiveness, there is no real healing, there is no moving on. Because you can make more friends, you can find other lovers, but there no one out there can ever be my mom. My mom is gone.
I don't know when she really left. Because years before she physically removed herself from my life, she wasn't a mother. And all the vain attempts since, to act like a concerned parent, have been utter failures. Its like living thru the death of her over and over again. Every time I miss her, and wish I could talk to her, I have to remember that she isn't there. She is dead. She is nonexistent in my life, because she can't be. Any physical form that still exists of her doesn't have the mental abilities to be a mother. So the woman who gave birth to me, and who barely raised me no longer exists. To have a relationship with that physical form would cause more pain to me than anyone out there can imagine. The truth is my mother died in my arms a hundred times. And for some reason up until right now, I blocked out all that pain.
i don't know why, its all rushing back to me. Why I have been crying for the last 3 hours. Why all the sudden I feel like it just happened, and my heart is breaking all over again. I pretended like i didn't care that i my mother was gone for the last 5 years. Everytime someone tried to be sensitive to me about the story of my mother, I really just felt apathetic about it. i don't right now. I feel a lot.And I dont know where to place this feeling because i have been fighting this feeling for a very long time. Because I dont want to admit that I miss my mother. Because I dont want to admit that I am still crushed by the fact that after she was emotionally gone for years she physically left me as well. I don't want any of this. I want to imagine I never met her.
I will just listen to sad songs today that remind me of her. Remind me that she is gone. Remind me that there is nothing I can do.
i am not really as alone as i feel right now. I have my dad, and my nutty sister, and my step mom, and my girlfriend and my friends. And they are all great.....but I still dont have my mom. And I never will.
Friday, September 25, 2009
it all comes back to angelina
This is funny to me. Whenever I get very very deep into myself, and I don't want to talk to anyone, because i dont know what to say. I watch the inside the actors studio interview with angelina jolie. I first watched this 2 years ago. A common theme of that interview is her mentioning or talking about being honest and living honestly and experiencing the feeling of honesty. This woman is amazing for many reasons, but the thing i admire the most is her complete commitment to knowing herself, being honest with herself and others about who she is and how she feels.
i want that. I want to feel that. But I find myself in situations and around people I dont feel like I can be honest with. I get involved with people that tell me that my expressions of thoughts and feelings are manipulative. That I am just trying to get my way. So I digress, and i revert, and i fold back into myself until something happens. Something small that makes me feel trapped and alone like no one on the fucking planet gives a shit about me, and then i do it.
I do the one thing that makes me feel honest. that is true to who i am. that lets out the life, the the fluid that fills my body. That SHOVES the truth into everyone else. That i am not as fucking strong as they think. That my feelings are hard, and my life is hard, and my choices are hard, and I cant always take care of everyone else. And that telling me to not talk about it, or showing me that you dont care, or dont take me seriously or anything like that is just as likely to push me over the edge
And now I just feel dangerous. Because its out, because in order to keep any amount of peace in my life i need so desperately to be silent right now. So I have cut off all contact with everyone. I have spoke to one person all day and that was just to tell her that i would not be able to be reached. If I am not silent right now, I will cause harm. The truth is i want to speak to everyone, I want to tell all of them how i really feel. There are so few people out there who know how i really feel. Because my mind, and my thoughts, and my constant battles are dangerous. They are so hard, and so hot and so deeply deeply disturbing to myself, i cant imagine what they would think.
And everyone in the fucking world is too goddamn sensitive, and too god damn self absorbed. That if I say how I feel, if i express the truth, everyone will lose their fucking minds.
Its all too much right now. And i dont know what I am going to do. That is the scariest part. i really cant predict what I am going to do.
i want that. I want to feel that. But I find myself in situations and around people I dont feel like I can be honest with. I get involved with people that tell me that my expressions of thoughts and feelings are manipulative. That I am just trying to get my way. So I digress, and i revert, and i fold back into myself until something happens. Something small that makes me feel trapped and alone like no one on the fucking planet gives a shit about me, and then i do it.
I do the one thing that makes me feel honest. that is true to who i am. that lets out the life, the the fluid that fills my body. That SHOVES the truth into everyone else. That i am not as fucking strong as they think. That my feelings are hard, and my life is hard, and my choices are hard, and I cant always take care of everyone else. And that telling me to not talk about it, or showing me that you dont care, or dont take me seriously or anything like that is just as likely to push me over the edge
And now I just feel dangerous. Because its out, because in order to keep any amount of peace in my life i need so desperately to be silent right now. So I have cut off all contact with everyone. I have spoke to one person all day and that was just to tell her that i would not be able to be reached. If I am not silent right now, I will cause harm. The truth is i want to speak to everyone, I want to tell all of them how i really feel. There are so few people out there who know how i really feel. Because my mind, and my thoughts, and my constant battles are dangerous. They are so hard, and so hot and so deeply deeply disturbing to myself, i cant imagine what they would think.
And everyone in the fucking world is too goddamn sensitive, and too god damn self absorbed. That if I say how I feel, if i express the truth, everyone will lose their fucking minds.
Its all too much right now. And i dont know what I am going to do. That is the scariest part. i really cant predict what I am going to do.
Oh this is where you have been
I forgot that you existed
I thought you had gone away
But I guess I must have missed it
The part of you that stayed behind
tagging along behind the clouds
While I walked so quickly on
trying to outrace the hounds
Ashamed I am that your still here
though your presence is a comfort
Your secret is safe with me my dear
though it will take a little effort
But hold onto you i shall
Until letting go is a must
So for now lets relish in our embrace
And let the clouds sit and rust
I forgot that you existed
I thought you had gone away
But I guess I must have missed it
The part of you that stayed behind
tagging along behind the clouds
While I walked so quickly on
trying to outrace the hounds
Ashamed I am that your still here
though your presence is a comfort
Your secret is safe with me my dear
though it will take a little effort
But hold onto you i shall
Until letting go is a must
So for now lets relish in our embrace
And let the clouds sit and rust
Friday, August 28, 2009
Ok I need to rant
I have an older sister who I do not get a long with. Not because we don't love each other, or because of any big feud or anything. We just don't agree on anything. Seriously, we fight every time we speak to one another.
For example: She pierced her daughter's ears when she was 5 months old. I personally don't think any sort of body modification should be administered on a child who isn't old enough to express their consent for said modification. Especially just because the parent thinks its fucking cute. That is my neice, I love that little girl and I consider that a violation of her right to have a say over what happens to her own body.
She just called me a few minutes ago and wanted me to look up some door to door company that came to her place and offered her a service that was suppose to save her money on her utilities. This is a common thing that she does. She will only call me when she wants something from me, and if she isn't flat out asking me for money, she is asking me to help her in some other way that has to do with her finances. She never asks me how I am doing, and she is talking constantly so that even if I wanted to tell her what was going on with me, I wouldn't have the opportunity.
But that is besides the point. My sister has her own free will, I obviously have no problem with that. She can do and believe whatever the hell she wants. If I don't agree with something she thinks, most of the time I will keep my mouth shut. But i don't want to sit silently and hear her bitch about not having any money when I know she smokes at least a pack a day. I have a huge problem with this. Besides the fact that she is my sister and I don't want her to kill herself, and she has a 14 month old baby that is being poisoned by this habit. She refuses to accept that this addiction of hers is directly contributing to her money problem. Everyone knows how expensive cigarettes are. If people want to spend that much money on something that we all know basically kills you, go right for it. I honestly really don't care. I don't a problem with people who smoke. But if you do, and you are not somehow getting them for free, don't come to me and ask for money.
I am sick of this whole idea. I realize that people have their own free will. If people want to drink, do drugs, smoke cigarettes, fine that is your business, I really don't give a shit. I have done a lot of shit myself and I have no right to judge people who make that choice for themselves.
BUT
1. Don't do that shit around my baby niece, or any of the kids in my family unless you want to hear me bitch about it.
2. Don't complain to me, and certainly don't ask me for help, if you are going to continue to waste your money on shit that you not only do not need, but also negatively effects your health.
That is my rant.
For example: She pierced her daughter's ears when she was 5 months old. I personally don't think any sort of body modification should be administered on a child who isn't old enough to express their consent for said modification. Especially just because the parent thinks its fucking cute. That is my neice, I love that little girl and I consider that a violation of her right to have a say over what happens to her own body.
She just called me a few minutes ago and wanted me to look up some door to door company that came to her place and offered her a service that was suppose to save her money on her utilities. This is a common thing that she does. She will only call me when she wants something from me, and if she isn't flat out asking me for money, she is asking me to help her in some other way that has to do with her finances. She never asks me how I am doing, and she is talking constantly so that even if I wanted to tell her what was going on with me, I wouldn't have the opportunity.
But that is besides the point. My sister has her own free will, I obviously have no problem with that. She can do and believe whatever the hell she wants. If I don't agree with something she thinks, most of the time I will keep my mouth shut. But i don't want to sit silently and hear her bitch about not having any money when I know she smokes at least a pack a day. I have a huge problem with this. Besides the fact that she is my sister and I don't want her to kill herself, and she has a 14 month old baby that is being poisoned by this habit. She refuses to accept that this addiction of hers is directly contributing to her money problem. Everyone knows how expensive cigarettes are. If people want to spend that much money on something that we all know basically kills you, go right for it. I honestly really don't care. I don't a problem with people who smoke. But if you do, and you are not somehow getting them for free, don't come to me and ask for money.
I am sick of this whole idea. I realize that people have their own free will. If people want to drink, do drugs, smoke cigarettes, fine that is your business, I really don't give a shit. I have done a lot of shit myself and I have no right to judge people who make that choice for themselves.
BUT
1. Don't do that shit around my baby niece, or any of the kids in my family unless you want to hear me bitch about it.
2. Don't complain to me, and certainly don't ask me for help, if you are going to continue to waste your money on shit that you not only do not need, but also negatively effects your health.
That is my rant.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Distance
I am learning that there is a lot more distance between me and the other people of the world. There are times that I feel boring and not unique at all. Then there are days like this. when I realize how truly different i am. I wonder if it is unusual for me to be happy, completely satisfied with my life. Those days when I feel good for no apparent reason, and I start to realize that I am in general a very happy person, are always the days that I hear from multiple people that they are unhappy about something. So it makes me wonder if I am honestly just so different from everyone else, or if i just surround myself with unhappy people. I can't tell. I feel like its been this way my entire life. My mom, my sister, multiple people I have dated, and a crazy amount of my friends. I feel like i am constantly going up against a stream of negativity. Its annoying and its wearing me down.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
In my head
i am so completely in thought today.
My mind is saturated with ideas and images.
there are so many things going I cant even see them well enough to sort them.
I just feel the chaos, I hear it thumping literally like a badly mixed techno song,
and i hate techno.
Its a whole bunch of tiny little stressors, that really are not that big of a deal, but combined are creating this sense of foreboding.
Its all stupid and completely irrational, but it is there, i feel it.
My mind is saturated with ideas and images.
there are so many things going I cant even see them well enough to sort them.
I just feel the chaos, I hear it thumping literally like a badly mixed techno song,
and i hate techno.
Its a whole bunch of tiny little stressors, that really are not that big of a deal, but combined are creating this sense of foreboding.
Its all stupid and completely irrational, but it is there, i feel it.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
sorrow - unfinished
How does it feel to wake up every morning
knowing you will lie to all those you meet
Believing that it is impossible to be true
Even to those you call family
Is it lonely to go to bed at night,
not knowing who you are
Realizing that every lie you told
has now taken you to far
how it must feel to ruin
all the friends that select you
And systematically bring them down
After they work to protect you
And I'm sorry for your pain
that you ever believed this was a way to live
But Im sure if you escaped it
Your peace would be irrelevant
Don't ask me how i feel about something
When you already know
You wont gain my permission
because you deny what your shown
Your gonna do what you want anyway
So dont pretend that you care
Its something i have come to expect
feel free to ignore my despair.
knowing you will lie to all those you meet
Believing that it is impossible to be true
Even to those you call family
Is it lonely to go to bed at night,
not knowing who you are
Realizing that every lie you told
has now taken you to far
how it must feel to ruin
all the friends that select you
And systematically bring them down
After they work to protect you
And I'm sorry for your pain
that you ever believed this was a way to live
But Im sure if you escaped it
Your peace would be irrelevant
Don't ask me how i feel about something
When you already know
You wont gain my permission
because you deny what your shown
Your gonna do what you want anyway
So dont pretend that you care
Its something i have come to expect
feel free to ignore my despair.
Monday, July 13, 2009
rambling
Today my head is filled with random thoughts, quotes, memories, sayings, and feelings. So I will write
-I'm sorry for any pain that I caused you. Maybe I am thinking to much on it now, but I know for a moment, I wanted your happiness more than my own.
- me "Grandma what kind of cake are you making?"
grandma "Im making your mom's favorite, german chocolate cake"
me "I like that, but i only like the chocolate part, not the german part"
-Everyday I am reminded again that it is important for me to realize that just because someone agrees with me on many many things, doesnt mean that they will agree with me on the one thing that I wanted them to agree with above everything else.
-I realize very often that most of my favorite memories are those that i share with my family. Most of them just simple conversations with my dad. Or things that I remember my sister or grandfather saying. Like when my grandfather shared one of his own memories of me when i was a kid. He said "I remember when you would eat dinner with us, your grandmother always made redskin potatoes as a side, you would eat a regular plate with everything, just like the rest of us. But when you reached for seconds you would just fill your whole plate up with potatoes, mash them yourself and eat the whole damn thing. Then you would do it again if there was any left. Damn girl you really liked potatoes." That means nothing to anyone else, but to me and my family, it is hilarious and really special.
- I am really happy today. Weirdly nostalgic and hopeful. I'm stressed as hell for all the things i have to get done this week. But still oddly calm.
-I'm sorry for any pain that I caused you. Maybe I am thinking to much on it now, but I know for a moment, I wanted your happiness more than my own.
- me "Grandma what kind of cake are you making?"
grandma "Im making your mom's favorite, german chocolate cake"
me "I like that, but i only like the chocolate part, not the german part"
-Everyday I am reminded again that it is important for me to realize that just because someone agrees with me on many many things, doesnt mean that they will agree with me on the one thing that I wanted them to agree with above everything else.
-I realize very often that most of my favorite memories are those that i share with my family. Most of them just simple conversations with my dad. Or things that I remember my sister or grandfather saying. Like when my grandfather shared one of his own memories of me when i was a kid. He said "I remember when you would eat dinner with us, your grandmother always made redskin potatoes as a side, you would eat a regular plate with everything, just like the rest of us. But when you reached for seconds you would just fill your whole plate up with potatoes, mash them yourself and eat the whole damn thing. Then you would do it again if there was any left. Damn girl you really liked potatoes." That means nothing to anyone else, but to me and my family, it is hilarious and really special.
- I am really happy today. Weirdly nostalgic and hopeful. I'm stressed as hell for all the things i have to get done this week. But still oddly calm.
Monday, July 6, 2009
plans
Things I want to do
-I want to go for a really long walk. A walk so long that it doesn't make any sense at all to walk that far. A walk so far that it offends people. I want to do this barefoot. And I want to do this often. I think my new goal is to go for at least one really long walk every week. And I want to build on this. There are people that walk across states, even countries. And I am just walking. If Forest Gump can run all over the United States, I can walk/jog across the city.
-I also want to hold onto this feeling of being more positive. I use to be such a ray of sunshine, over the past few years that has kind of diminished. Life took its toll on me, and still is in some aspects. Maybe it is part of growing up, but i really don't want to lose my optimism anymore than i already have. The truth is that the world is good and my life is blessed. I'm in love, I have great friends, and I have the ability to thrive in my life. I have nothing to be negative about.
That is all I really have for now. I think it is enough to start out with.
-I want to go for a really long walk. A walk so long that it doesn't make any sense at all to walk that far. A walk so far that it offends people. I want to do this barefoot. And I want to do this often. I think my new goal is to go for at least one really long walk every week. And I want to build on this. There are people that walk across states, even countries. And I am just walking. If Forest Gump can run all over the United States, I can walk/jog across the city.
-I also want to hold onto this feeling of being more positive. I use to be such a ray of sunshine, over the past few years that has kind of diminished. Life took its toll on me, and still is in some aspects. Maybe it is part of growing up, but i really don't want to lose my optimism anymore than i already have. The truth is that the world is good and my life is blessed. I'm in love, I have great friends, and I have the ability to thrive in my life. I have nothing to be negative about.
That is all I really have for now. I think it is enough to start out with.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Acceptance
I have never claimed that the decisions I have made are good. I don't doubt that i am an idiot when it comes to love. Nor have I ever made myself believe i know what the fuck i am doing. When it comes to romance, relationships, or anything that has to do with my involvement with people; I firmly believe there is no right decisions.
I simply feel what I feel. The fact that i can even make a decision, is more to be proud of in my mind. Even if it is the wrong one, at least i know enough about who i am and what i want to know that I cant let this go yet.
I know that I am at the point in my life where nothing is just going to be simple. If I want love, i am going to have to take the pain that sometimes comes with it. If I want to see what the future has in store for me, I have to let go of what the past dealt to me and move on.
That is what I am doing. I love Jill. I am going to try to make this work with her. And I am going to go into it with as open of a heart as i possibly can. Try to let go of what happened, and try again. Because even if it doesnt make a lick of sense to all the logical, smart, well-meaning, self-righteous people out there, it is exactly what i want to do right now. And at least I am smart enough to follow my heart. Even if it leads me to the same place.
the end.
I simply feel what I feel. The fact that i can even make a decision, is more to be proud of in my mind. Even if it is the wrong one, at least i know enough about who i am and what i want to know that I cant let this go yet.
I know that I am at the point in my life where nothing is just going to be simple. If I want love, i am going to have to take the pain that sometimes comes with it. If I want to see what the future has in store for me, I have to let go of what the past dealt to me and move on.
That is what I am doing. I love Jill. I am going to try to make this work with her. And I am going to go into it with as open of a heart as i possibly can. Try to let go of what happened, and try again. Because even if it doesnt make a lick of sense to all the logical, smart, well-meaning, self-righteous people out there, it is exactly what i want to do right now. And at least I am smart enough to follow my heart. Even if it leads me to the same place.
the end.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I got a big ego, such a big ego hahaha
So I find more pictures from pride. And get my twinge of jealousy. Then I just laugh.
I can't believe myself sometimes. That I abandon who I am to the same bullshit insecurities that everyone else is a victim of. I'm not sorry. I am so much better.
Better than all the ugly ass, dumb ass, fake ass, pathetic bitches that try to get what I have. And I have a lot. I still have every mother fucker that I ever touched under my thumb. They act like they hate me, only because they are too scared of wanting me. All the haters, only act like fucking fools because they are jealous of everything they see. People talk about ME everyday, why? Because I make a damn impression.
"Everyone talks about you, everyone. As soon as one person says your name, you are the focus of the conversation for the next hour at least. No matter what is said, it is obvious that everyone notices your absence, and that it bothers them. That's impressive."
That is a direct quote. I don't make this shit up. People fucking love me. Even the sad pathetic messes that pretend like they don't.
"the opposite of love, is not hate. It is indifference"
There is not one person on this planet who has felt me that is indifferent. Bet on that shit.
Haters keep hating, because it just makes my ass more powerful. Keep staring at me when you see me at the club, keep trying to effect me, and keep watching me as I walk away. Because not one mother fucker can touch this bitch.
I can't believe myself sometimes. That I abandon who I am to the same bullshit insecurities that everyone else is a victim of. I'm not sorry. I am so much better.
Better than all the ugly ass, dumb ass, fake ass, pathetic bitches that try to get what I have. And I have a lot. I still have every mother fucker that I ever touched under my thumb. They act like they hate me, only because they are too scared of wanting me. All the haters, only act like fucking fools because they are jealous of everything they see. People talk about ME everyday, why? Because I make a damn impression.
"Everyone talks about you, everyone. As soon as one person says your name, you are the focus of the conversation for the next hour at least. No matter what is said, it is obvious that everyone notices your absence, and that it bothers them. That's impressive."
That is a direct quote. I don't make this shit up. People fucking love me. Even the sad pathetic messes that pretend like they don't.
"the opposite of love, is not hate. It is indifference"
There is not one person on this planet who has felt me that is indifferent. Bet on that shit.
Haters keep hating, because it just makes my ass more powerful. Keep staring at me when you see me at the club, keep trying to effect me, and keep watching me as I walk away. Because not one mother fucker can touch this bitch.
Monday, June 22, 2009
What is right for me, maybe
Sunday was for conversation apparently. Conversations with friends and with my parents. I think I have the general idea now of what I want, but none of the specifics.
A few years ago, I sat down with my father and asked him how I will know when I find the right one. He said "It will just be effortless." For a long time I didn't believe him. I thought that all relationships were just hard, that it was suppose to be that way. After analyzing so many of the relationships I have seen, and what I have experienced myself with romantic and platonic relationships, I have started to realize that the ones that took the least amount of work, are the ones that i feel are the strongest.
So that is my new focus right now. If it takes too much effort, I am not going to waste my time. I know any situation will eventually call for a certain amount of compromise, sacrifice, and hard work. But relationships (in whatever form) should not be a constant battle. That is what I will be avoiding.
Wish me luck
A few years ago, I sat down with my father and asked him how I will know when I find the right one. He said "It will just be effortless." For a long time I didn't believe him. I thought that all relationships were just hard, that it was suppose to be that way. After analyzing so many of the relationships I have seen, and what I have experienced myself with romantic and platonic relationships, I have started to realize that the ones that took the least amount of work, are the ones that i feel are the strongest.
So that is my new focus right now. If it takes too much effort, I am not going to waste my time. I know any situation will eventually call for a certain amount of compromise, sacrifice, and hard work. But relationships (in whatever form) should not be a constant battle. That is what I will be avoiding.
Wish me luck
Friday, June 19, 2009
amazed again
I will forever be puzzled how one day can look so bright after such destruction, and one evening of peace, can give me a night of terrifying dreams.
I'm starting to think that i take disappointment harder than flat out betrayal. Or maybe I have lost my tolerance for both after experiencing so much.
The truth is the more time I spend in this state, the farther the light at the end of the tunnel seems. That's not pessimism, its just me accepting that I have a longer way to go than I originally thought. I'm ok with that. I have wanted this opportunity for a long time. Yet, embracing this freedom to find myself without reverting to old habits has become extremely difficult for me.
I have sufficient healthy options to occupy my mind. And yet I am still dwelling on thoughts and ideas that don't do me any good. Mostly thoughts about who I can see myself being with in the future. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE!?!?!?! The last thing I should be thinking about is who is next. But this is all part of growth and change. If it was easy everyone would be perfect. In order to become stronger you need to be met with adversity. I have met it, I have shaken hands with it, and I am trying to get past it and gain what i need so I can move on as a better person.
Friends have either stepped up and shown me that they love me, or let their true colors shine through and i have said goodbye to them. I have cleaned up a lot of parts of my life and am working on being healthy. Its like purging all the old junk that you have accumulated over years and finding things that were hidden amongst the mess that you realize you always missed. I'm still throwing shit away, and finding new things to love again.
I really wish I was able to do this more quickly tho. Im getting tired of cleaning up the mess.
I'm starting to think that i take disappointment harder than flat out betrayal. Or maybe I have lost my tolerance for both after experiencing so much.
The truth is the more time I spend in this state, the farther the light at the end of the tunnel seems. That's not pessimism, its just me accepting that I have a longer way to go than I originally thought. I'm ok with that. I have wanted this opportunity for a long time. Yet, embracing this freedom to find myself without reverting to old habits has become extremely difficult for me.
I have sufficient healthy options to occupy my mind. And yet I am still dwelling on thoughts and ideas that don't do me any good. Mostly thoughts about who I can see myself being with in the future. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE!?!?!?! The last thing I should be thinking about is who is next. But this is all part of growth and change. If it was easy everyone would be perfect. In order to become stronger you need to be met with adversity. I have met it, I have shaken hands with it, and I am trying to get past it and gain what i need so I can move on as a better person.
Friends have either stepped up and shown me that they love me, or let their true colors shine through and i have said goodbye to them. I have cleaned up a lot of parts of my life and am working on being healthy. Its like purging all the old junk that you have accumulated over years and finding things that were hidden amongst the mess that you realize you always missed. I'm still throwing shit away, and finding new things to love again.
I really wish I was able to do this more quickly tho. Im getting tired of cleaning up the mess.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Wondering
Does any of this really matter? Will I ever feel lonely enough to reach out again?
Will I ever need touch badly enough to open up my arms? Have I become too wise to want anything to do with my heart? My mind is still strong. After everything, I can still hear my thoughts loud and clear and they make sense. I can accept the things that happened when I think but when i let myself start to feel I literally begin to physically shake. All the pain is still...so deep.
And yet my ability to forgive, as much as i would like to fight it, is still beating on the inside of my head. Telling me to understand, to accept, and to let go.
Not yet. Im going to try to stay mad a little longer.
Will I ever need touch badly enough to open up my arms? Have I become too wise to want anything to do with my heart? My mind is still strong. After everything, I can still hear my thoughts loud and clear and they make sense. I can accept the things that happened when I think but when i let myself start to feel I literally begin to physically shake. All the pain is still...so deep.
And yet my ability to forgive, as much as i would like to fight it, is still beating on the inside of my head. Telling me to understand, to accept, and to let go.
Not yet. Im going to try to stay mad a little longer.
One call
It only takes one call.
Too pull me in and make me worry.
It was probably just a drunken accident.
She seems to making a lot of those anyway.
But then, when i woke up and looked outside.
The rain.
The rain that always affected her.
That always made her want me close.
The rain washed away the anger, and tempted my face to mimic the streams of water on my window.
Why did she have to call.
Why did it have to rain.
And the rain was so pure, there was no wind.
It just fell straight down, hard and fast.
And it still is. Hard and Fast.
Like her and I.
Hard and Fast.
And then...nothing
Too pull me in and make me worry.
It was probably just a drunken accident.
She seems to making a lot of those anyway.
But then, when i woke up and looked outside.
The rain.
The rain that always affected her.
That always made her want me close.
The rain washed away the anger, and tempted my face to mimic the streams of water on my window.
Why did she have to call.
Why did it have to rain.
And the rain was so pure, there was no wind.
It just fell straight down, hard and fast.
And it still is. Hard and Fast.
Like her and I.
Hard and Fast.
And then...nothing
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The truth
I need you to know the truth about what you meant to me
Never once was I there for you and wish I didn’t have to be.
Never did I hold you tight and kiss away your tears
While at the same time thinking “I wish I wasn’t here”
Because loving you was all I wanted
And I didn’t mind taking time
Until the day I realized
That you were no longer mine.
So no longer could I vanquish your cries and take away your pain
Because I knew that for me, you would never do the same.
You would go thru the motions and put on the face
But inside you would be turning, trying to fill the space.
If I allowed that I would be more of a cheat than you
And if you remember its not my style to be untrue
Never once was I there for you and wish I didn’t have to be.
Never did I hold you tight and kiss away your tears
While at the same time thinking “I wish I wasn’t here”
Because loving you was all I wanted
And I didn’t mind taking time
Until the day I realized
That you were no longer mine.
So no longer could I vanquish your cries and take away your pain
Because I knew that for me, you would never do the same.
You would go thru the motions and put on the face
But inside you would be turning, trying to fill the space.
If I allowed that I would be more of a cheat than you
And if you remember its not my style to be untrue
Because my best friend inspires me more than any other creature on the planet
I normally only really write when i am single. So as long as i am writing on here you can probably guess I will be relatively unattached.
My heart was broken again recently. While trying to mend it, a seemingly endless supply of very angry thorns decided to also shoot into my chest and try to rip me apart in every conceivable way. Some of them have names, a lot of them only have faces, and even more of them only really have voices that I alone can decipher.
"Its a process."
"It gets better with time."
"Everyone goes thru this."
Do they? Do they really go through exactly the same pain I am feeling now? Doubtful. Because in case anyone who is reading this has not actually met me, I am different. And the ones who do know me will confirm that. I'm not too arrogant to believe that I am alone in my dissatisfaction of the current situation i find myself in, but i do know that for some reason something tells me that the way i am feeling now, is not normal.
But it doesnt matter. None of it does. Because I will get through this, just like I got through Andy, and Tyler, and Jes, and all the other little people that affected my life much more strongly than I ever should have let them. But I did. And now I am here. And I am smarter than all of them. I am not drinking crazy amounts of alcohol, or having meaningless sex in bar bathrooms. I am not alienating my friends so that I can hang out with people that have far less value, all so I can make myself feel better about being an immature cunt.
I'm embracing my freedom. I'm bettering my life. And I am surrounding myself only with other people who are as smart and healthy as me.
If there is one thing I learned from all of those people, its that I am a healthy, happy, well adjusted adult, that deserves to be loved by exactly the same kind of person.
So... that is the plan. But for now i will keep writing.
My heart was broken again recently. While trying to mend it, a seemingly endless supply of very angry thorns decided to also shoot into my chest and try to rip me apart in every conceivable way. Some of them have names, a lot of them only have faces, and even more of them only really have voices that I alone can decipher.
"Its a process."
"It gets better with time."
"Everyone goes thru this."
Do they? Do they really go through exactly the same pain I am feeling now? Doubtful. Because in case anyone who is reading this has not actually met me, I am different. And the ones who do know me will confirm that. I'm not too arrogant to believe that I am alone in my dissatisfaction of the current situation i find myself in, but i do know that for some reason something tells me that the way i am feeling now, is not normal.
But it doesnt matter. None of it does. Because I will get through this, just like I got through Andy, and Tyler, and Jes, and all the other little people that affected my life much more strongly than I ever should have let them. But I did. And now I am here. And I am smarter than all of them. I am not drinking crazy amounts of alcohol, or having meaningless sex in bar bathrooms. I am not alienating my friends so that I can hang out with people that have far less value, all so I can make myself feel better about being an immature cunt.
I'm embracing my freedom. I'm bettering my life. And I am surrounding myself only with other people who are as smart and healthy as me.
If there is one thing I learned from all of those people, its that I am a healthy, happy, well adjusted adult, that deserves to be loved by exactly the same kind of person.
So... that is the plan. But for now i will keep writing.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
headaches
I have been getting headaches on a regular basis ever since i was 15 years old. That is 8 years of this shit.
I have a hard time believing that it is just my low blood sugar, seeing as how i can eat and 5 minutes later the damn pain is back with vengeance.
Im in my head more than usual today. My dreams have become something of a puzzle and i have been having a hard time sorting out and flipping over the pieces to see what it all means.
I would like to go to some sort of medium or guide or something to see if i can get some peace but I dont know if it would be worth it.
I dont feel grounded, i go back and forth between floating and sinking with every breath.
My head is pulsing. I feel like i am growing more cynical and angry everyday.
And nothing is going wrong even. Things are great but I feel bad. I want to enjoy my life, but the past few days ive been unable to bring myself up out of this.
it sucks, i dont even feel creative or smart enough to be expressing myself accurately. I just want to feel like myself. The magnetic, happy, funny person that so many of my friends love. Why dont I feel like that when i am alone?
I have a hard time believing that it is just my low blood sugar, seeing as how i can eat and 5 minutes later the damn pain is back with vengeance.
Im in my head more than usual today. My dreams have become something of a puzzle and i have been having a hard time sorting out and flipping over the pieces to see what it all means.
I would like to go to some sort of medium or guide or something to see if i can get some peace but I dont know if it would be worth it.
I dont feel grounded, i go back and forth between floating and sinking with every breath.
My head is pulsing. I feel like i am growing more cynical and angry everyday.
And nothing is going wrong even. Things are great but I feel bad. I want to enjoy my life, but the past few days ive been unable to bring myself up out of this.
it sucks, i dont even feel creative or smart enough to be expressing myself accurately. I just want to feel like myself. The magnetic, happy, funny person that so many of my friends love. Why dont I feel like that when i am alone?
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
just something
I am seeing things out of the corner of my eye
That regardless of my focus keep flying by
Then when I look to find the twitches
It seems as though reality switches
no where can I find the culprit of my vision
so I wonder in my ability to make a decision
That regardless of my focus keep flying by
Then when I look to find the twitches
It seems as though reality switches
no where can I find the culprit of my vision
so I wonder in my ability to make a decision
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Resolve
For some reason this word has been popping up for the past 2 or 3 days continuously in my mind. Because I love the "define:" feature on google search I decided to just look it up, to see if maybe it even really fits my mood. This is what comes up that seems to fit
I feel sure now about where my life is heading. I feel confident that no matter what happens, I know myself well enough to continue to make positive choices in my life.
That is a big fucking deal yo. Im 23 years old. And I cant think of one thing in my life that I want to change. I mean there are a few things here and there that I want to happen, but I know all of those things will happen in their own time.
I feel oddly powerful, like I can overcome any obstacle, tackle any problem, and come out each time on top and feeling amazing. Nothing seems like a big deal anymore. Everything seems so small compared to the wonderful feelings i have on a daily basis.
All the hate, confusion, fear and sadness that filled me before has dissolved and i feel foolish for ever putting any weight on that shit in the first place. All the shit that happened and all of the shit that has happened since, its all gone. Its like I have really let go of all my past pain.
- decide: bring to an end; settle conclusively;
- conclude: reach a conclusion after a discussion or deliberation
- purpose: reach a decision;
- answer: understand the meaning of;
- find the solution;
- Determination, will power; To find a solution to (a problem); To solve again; To make a firm decision to do something
I feel sure now about where my life is heading. I feel confident that no matter what happens, I know myself well enough to continue to make positive choices in my life.
That is a big fucking deal yo. Im 23 years old. And I cant think of one thing in my life that I want to change. I mean there are a few things here and there that I want to happen, but I know all of those things will happen in their own time.
I feel oddly powerful, like I can overcome any obstacle, tackle any problem, and come out each time on top and feeling amazing. Nothing seems like a big deal anymore. Everything seems so small compared to the wonderful feelings i have on a daily basis.
All the hate, confusion, fear and sadness that filled me before has dissolved and i feel foolish for ever putting any weight on that shit in the first place. All the shit that happened and all of the shit that has happened since, its all gone. Its like I have really let go of all my past pain.
Friday, January 23, 2009
So I am starting
I remember when I had a livejournal, oh so long ago. I really did get addicted to it but deleted it because i had too much on there that i didnt want to relive again. Now I feel like I dont really have anything to say anymore but maybe that is not the case. We will see.
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