her

I started thinking of her last night. The one. The one woman in all the world that has had the biggest effect on me, however much I try to deny it. The one woman that I have cut out of my life completely, until someone brings her up. The one woman that tore out my heart multiple times for years and then ridiculed me for not understanding her pain.

I thought of her. Sometimes I can go days, maybe even weeks without thinking of her. Funny thought....to go that long almost forgetting the pain, the abandonment, the betrayal. I have had friends do me wrong, forgive them and move on. I have had lovers make me cry, and i just say goodbye. But when a mother breaks you down, and for years you can say nothing, do nothing, just wait till you can escape. And then after she leaves, gives up on her family and just walks out, she blames you for her shitty life. Well after that, there is no forgiveness, there is no real healing, there is no moving on. Because you can make more friends, you can find other lovers, but there no one out there can ever be my mom. My mom is gone.

I don't know when she really left. Because years before she physically removed herself from my life, she wasn't a mother. And all the vain attempts since, to act like a concerned parent, have been utter failures. Its like living thru the death of her over and over again. Every time I miss her, and wish I could talk to her, I have to remember that she isn't there. She is dead. She is nonexistent in my life, because she can't be. Any physical form that still exists of her doesn't have the mental abilities to be a mother. So the woman who gave birth to me, and who barely raised me no longer exists. To have a relationship with that physical form would cause more pain to me than anyone out there can imagine. The truth is my mother died in my arms a hundred times. And for some reason up until right now, I blocked out all that pain.

i don't know why, its all rushing back to me. Why I have been crying for the last 3 hours. Why all the sudden I feel like it just happened, and my heart is breaking all over again. I pretended like i didn't care that i my mother was gone for the last 5 years. Everytime someone tried to be sensitive to me about the story of my mother, I really just felt apathetic about it. i don't right now. I feel a lot.And I dont know where to place this feeling because i have been fighting this feeling for a very long time. Because I dont want to admit that I miss my mother. Because I dont want to admit that I am still crushed by the fact that after she was emotionally gone for years she physically left me as well. I don't want any of this. I want to imagine I never met her.

I will just listen to sad songs today that remind me of her. Remind me that she is gone. Remind me that there is nothing I can do.

i am not really as alone as i feel right now. I have my dad, and my nutty sister, and my step mom, and my girlfriend and my friends. And they are all great.....but I still dont have my mom. And I never will.