I have never claimed that the decisions I have made are good. I don't doubt that i am an idiot when it comes to love. Nor have I ever made myself believe i know what the fuck i am doing. When it comes to romance, relationships, or anything that has to do with my involvement with people; I firmly believe there is no right decisions.
I simply feel what I feel. The fact that i can even make a decision, is more to be proud of in my mind. Even if it is the wrong one, at least i know enough about who i am and what i want to know that I cant let this go yet.
I know that I am at the point in my life where nothing is just going to be simple. If I want love, i am going to have to take the pain that sometimes comes with it. If I want to see what the future has in store for me, I have to let go of what the past dealt to me and move on.
That is what I am doing. I love Jill. I am going to try to make this work with her. And I am going to go into it with as open of a heart as i possibly can. Try to let go of what happened, and try again. Because even if it doesnt make a lick of sense to all the logical, smart, well-meaning, self-righteous people out there, it is exactly what i want to do right now. And at least I am smart enough to follow my heart. Even if it leads me to the same place.
the end.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I got a big ego, such a big ego hahaha
So I find more pictures from pride. And get my twinge of jealousy. Then I just laugh.
I can't believe myself sometimes. That I abandon who I am to the same bullshit insecurities that everyone else is a victim of. I'm not sorry. I am so much better.
Better than all the ugly ass, dumb ass, fake ass, pathetic bitches that try to get what I have. And I have a lot. I still have every mother fucker that I ever touched under my thumb. They act like they hate me, only because they are too scared of wanting me. All the haters, only act like fucking fools because they are jealous of everything they see. People talk about ME everyday, why? Because I make a damn impression.
"Everyone talks about you, everyone. As soon as one person says your name, you are the focus of the conversation for the next hour at least. No matter what is said, it is obvious that everyone notices your absence, and that it bothers them. That's impressive."
That is a direct quote. I don't make this shit up. People fucking love me. Even the sad pathetic messes that pretend like they don't.
"the opposite of love, is not hate. It is indifference"
There is not one person on this planet who has felt me that is indifferent. Bet on that shit.
Haters keep hating, because it just makes my ass more powerful. Keep staring at me when you see me at the club, keep trying to effect me, and keep watching me as I walk away. Because not one mother fucker can touch this bitch.
I can't believe myself sometimes. That I abandon who I am to the same bullshit insecurities that everyone else is a victim of. I'm not sorry. I am so much better.
Better than all the ugly ass, dumb ass, fake ass, pathetic bitches that try to get what I have. And I have a lot. I still have every mother fucker that I ever touched under my thumb. They act like they hate me, only because they are too scared of wanting me. All the haters, only act like fucking fools because they are jealous of everything they see. People talk about ME everyday, why? Because I make a damn impression.
"Everyone talks about you, everyone. As soon as one person says your name, you are the focus of the conversation for the next hour at least. No matter what is said, it is obvious that everyone notices your absence, and that it bothers them. That's impressive."
That is a direct quote. I don't make this shit up. People fucking love me. Even the sad pathetic messes that pretend like they don't.
"the opposite of love, is not hate. It is indifference"
There is not one person on this planet who has felt me that is indifferent. Bet on that shit.
Haters keep hating, because it just makes my ass more powerful. Keep staring at me when you see me at the club, keep trying to effect me, and keep watching me as I walk away. Because not one mother fucker can touch this bitch.
Monday, June 22, 2009
What is right for me, maybe
Sunday was for conversation apparently. Conversations with friends and with my parents. I think I have the general idea now of what I want, but none of the specifics.
A few years ago, I sat down with my father and asked him how I will know when I find the right one. He said "It will just be effortless." For a long time I didn't believe him. I thought that all relationships were just hard, that it was suppose to be that way. After analyzing so many of the relationships I have seen, and what I have experienced myself with romantic and platonic relationships, I have started to realize that the ones that took the least amount of work, are the ones that i feel are the strongest.
So that is my new focus right now. If it takes too much effort, I am not going to waste my time. I know any situation will eventually call for a certain amount of compromise, sacrifice, and hard work. But relationships (in whatever form) should not be a constant battle. That is what I will be avoiding.
Wish me luck
A few years ago, I sat down with my father and asked him how I will know when I find the right one. He said "It will just be effortless." For a long time I didn't believe him. I thought that all relationships were just hard, that it was suppose to be that way. After analyzing so many of the relationships I have seen, and what I have experienced myself with romantic and platonic relationships, I have started to realize that the ones that took the least amount of work, are the ones that i feel are the strongest.
So that is my new focus right now. If it takes too much effort, I am not going to waste my time. I know any situation will eventually call for a certain amount of compromise, sacrifice, and hard work. But relationships (in whatever form) should not be a constant battle. That is what I will be avoiding.
Wish me luck
Friday, June 19, 2009
amazed again
I will forever be puzzled how one day can look so bright after such destruction, and one evening of peace, can give me a night of terrifying dreams.
I'm starting to think that i take disappointment harder than flat out betrayal. Or maybe I have lost my tolerance for both after experiencing so much.
The truth is the more time I spend in this state, the farther the light at the end of the tunnel seems. That's not pessimism, its just me accepting that I have a longer way to go than I originally thought. I'm ok with that. I have wanted this opportunity for a long time. Yet, embracing this freedom to find myself without reverting to old habits has become extremely difficult for me.
I have sufficient healthy options to occupy my mind. And yet I am still dwelling on thoughts and ideas that don't do me any good. Mostly thoughts about who I can see myself being with in the future. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE!?!?!?! The last thing I should be thinking about is who is next. But this is all part of growth and change. If it was easy everyone would be perfect. In order to become stronger you need to be met with adversity. I have met it, I have shaken hands with it, and I am trying to get past it and gain what i need so I can move on as a better person.
Friends have either stepped up and shown me that they love me, or let their true colors shine through and i have said goodbye to them. I have cleaned up a lot of parts of my life and am working on being healthy. Its like purging all the old junk that you have accumulated over years and finding things that were hidden amongst the mess that you realize you always missed. I'm still throwing shit away, and finding new things to love again.
I really wish I was able to do this more quickly tho. Im getting tired of cleaning up the mess.
I'm starting to think that i take disappointment harder than flat out betrayal. Or maybe I have lost my tolerance for both after experiencing so much.
The truth is the more time I spend in this state, the farther the light at the end of the tunnel seems. That's not pessimism, its just me accepting that I have a longer way to go than I originally thought. I'm ok with that. I have wanted this opportunity for a long time. Yet, embracing this freedom to find myself without reverting to old habits has become extremely difficult for me.
I have sufficient healthy options to occupy my mind. And yet I am still dwelling on thoughts and ideas that don't do me any good. Mostly thoughts about who I can see myself being with in the future. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE!?!?!?! The last thing I should be thinking about is who is next. But this is all part of growth and change. If it was easy everyone would be perfect. In order to become stronger you need to be met with adversity. I have met it, I have shaken hands with it, and I am trying to get past it and gain what i need so I can move on as a better person.
Friends have either stepped up and shown me that they love me, or let their true colors shine through and i have said goodbye to them. I have cleaned up a lot of parts of my life and am working on being healthy. Its like purging all the old junk that you have accumulated over years and finding things that were hidden amongst the mess that you realize you always missed. I'm still throwing shit away, and finding new things to love again.
I really wish I was able to do this more quickly tho. Im getting tired of cleaning up the mess.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Wondering
Does any of this really matter? Will I ever feel lonely enough to reach out again?
Will I ever need touch badly enough to open up my arms? Have I become too wise to want anything to do with my heart? My mind is still strong. After everything, I can still hear my thoughts loud and clear and they make sense. I can accept the things that happened when I think but when i let myself start to feel I literally begin to physically shake. All the pain is still...so deep.
And yet my ability to forgive, as much as i would like to fight it, is still beating on the inside of my head. Telling me to understand, to accept, and to let go.
Not yet. Im going to try to stay mad a little longer.
Will I ever need touch badly enough to open up my arms? Have I become too wise to want anything to do with my heart? My mind is still strong. After everything, I can still hear my thoughts loud and clear and they make sense. I can accept the things that happened when I think but when i let myself start to feel I literally begin to physically shake. All the pain is still...so deep.
And yet my ability to forgive, as much as i would like to fight it, is still beating on the inside of my head. Telling me to understand, to accept, and to let go.
Not yet. Im going to try to stay mad a little longer.
One call
It only takes one call.
Too pull me in and make me worry.
It was probably just a drunken accident.
She seems to making a lot of those anyway.
But then, when i woke up and looked outside.
The rain.
The rain that always affected her.
That always made her want me close.
The rain washed away the anger, and tempted my face to mimic the streams of water on my window.
Why did she have to call.
Why did it have to rain.
And the rain was so pure, there was no wind.
It just fell straight down, hard and fast.
And it still is. Hard and Fast.
Like her and I.
Hard and Fast.
And then...nothing
Too pull me in and make me worry.
It was probably just a drunken accident.
She seems to making a lot of those anyway.
But then, when i woke up and looked outside.
The rain.
The rain that always affected her.
That always made her want me close.
The rain washed away the anger, and tempted my face to mimic the streams of water on my window.
Why did she have to call.
Why did it have to rain.
And the rain was so pure, there was no wind.
It just fell straight down, hard and fast.
And it still is. Hard and Fast.
Like her and I.
Hard and Fast.
And then...nothing
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The truth
I need you to know the truth about what you meant to me
Never once was I there for you and wish I didn’t have to be.
Never did I hold you tight and kiss away your tears
While at the same time thinking “I wish I wasn’t here”
Because loving you was all I wanted
And I didn’t mind taking time
Until the day I realized
That you were no longer mine.
So no longer could I vanquish your cries and take away your pain
Because I knew that for me, you would never do the same.
You would go thru the motions and put on the face
But inside you would be turning, trying to fill the space.
If I allowed that I would be more of a cheat than you
And if you remember its not my style to be untrue
Never once was I there for you and wish I didn’t have to be.
Never did I hold you tight and kiss away your tears
While at the same time thinking “I wish I wasn’t here”
Because loving you was all I wanted
And I didn’t mind taking time
Until the day I realized
That you were no longer mine.
So no longer could I vanquish your cries and take away your pain
Because I knew that for me, you would never do the same.
You would go thru the motions and put on the face
But inside you would be turning, trying to fill the space.
If I allowed that I would be more of a cheat than you
And if you remember its not my style to be untrue
Because my best friend inspires me more than any other creature on the planet
I normally only really write when i am single. So as long as i am writing on here you can probably guess I will be relatively unattached.
My heart was broken again recently. While trying to mend it, a seemingly endless supply of very angry thorns decided to also shoot into my chest and try to rip me apart in every conceivable way. Some of them have names, a lot of them only have faces, and even more of them only really have voices that I alone can decipher.
"Its a process."
"It gets better with time."
"Everyone goes thru this."
Do they? Do they really go through exactly the same pain I am feeling now? Doubtful. Because in case anyone who is reading this has not actually met me, I am different. And the ones who do know me will confirm that. I'm not too arrogant to believe that I am alone in my dissatisfaction of the current situation i find myself in, but i do know that for some reason something tells me that the way i am feeling now, is not normal.
But it doesnt matter. None of it does. Because I will get through this, just like I got through Andy, and Tyler, and Jes, and all the other little people that affected my life much more strongly than I ever should have let them. But I did. And now I am here. And I am smarter than all of them. I am not drinking crazy amounts of alcohol, or having meaningless sex in bar bathrooms. I am not alienating my friends so that I can hang out with people that have far less value, all so I can make myself feel better about being an immature cunt.
I'm embracing my freedom. I'm bettering my life. And I am surrounding myself only with other people who are as smart and healthy as me.
If there is one thing I learned from all of those people, its that I am a healthy, happy, well adjusted adult, that deserves to be loved by exactly the same kind of person.
So... that is the plan. But for now i will keep writing.
My heart was broken again recently. While trying to mend it, a seemingly endless supply of very angry thorns decided to also shoot into my chest and try to rip me apart in every conceivable way. Some of them have names, a lot of them only have faces, and even more of them only really have voices that I alone can decipher.
"Its a process."
"It gets better with time."
"Everyone goes thru this."
Do they? Do they really go through exactly the same pain I am feeling now? Doubtful. Because in case anyone who is reading this has not actually met me, I am different. And the ones who do know me will confirm that. I'm not too arrogant to believe that I am alone in my dissatisfaction of the current situation i find myself in, but i do know that for some reason something tells me that the way i am feeling now, is not normal.
But it doesnt matter. None of it does. Because I will get through this, just like I got through Andy, and Tyler, and Jes, and all the other little people that affected my life much more strongly than I ever should have let them. But I did. And now I am here. And I am smarter than all of them. I am not drinking crazy amounts of alcohol, or having meaningless sex in bar bathrooms. I am not alienating my friends so that I can hang out with people that have far less value, all so I can make myself feel better about being an immature cunt.
I'm embracing my freedom. I'm bettering my life. And I am surrounding myself only with other people who are as smart and healthy as me.
If there is one thing I learned from all of those people, its that I am a healthy, happy, well adjusted adult, that deserves to be loved by exactly the same kind of person.
So... that is the plan. But for now i will keep writing.
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