amazed again

I will forever be puzzled how one day can look so bright after such destruction, and one evening of peace, can give me a night of terrifying dreams.

I'm starting to think that i take disappointment harder than flat out betrayal. Or maybe I have lost my tolerance for both after experiencing so much.

The truth is the more time I spend in this state, the farther the light at the end of the tunnel seems. That's not pessimism, its just me accepting that I have a longer way to go than I originally thought. I'm ok with that. I have wanted this opportunity for a long time. Yet, embracing this freedom to find myself without reverting to old habits has become extremely difficult for me.

I have sufficient healthy options to occupy my mind. And yet I am still dwelling on thoughts and ideas that don't do me any good. Mostly thoughts about who I can see myself being with in the future. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE!?!?!?! The last thing I should be thinking about is who is next. But this is all part of growth and change. If it was easy everyone would be perfect. In order to become stronger you need to be met with adversity. I have met it, I have shaken hands with it, and I am trying to get past it and gain what i need so I can move on as a better person.

Friends have either stepped up and shown me that they love me, or let their true colors shine through and i have said goodbye to them. I have cleaned up a lot of parts of my life and am working on being healthy. Its like purging all the old junk that you have accumulated over years and finding things that were hidden amongst the mess that you realize you always missed. I'm still throwing shit away, and finding new things to love again.

I really wish I was able to do this more quickly tho. Im getting tired of cleaning up the mess.